This section of the site contains merely the insane ramblings of a deranged mind.  Feel free to dip in and out, or run screaming in misery and confusion, as you please.

TOP 5 THINGS YOUR VET WOULD RATHER YOU DIDN’T SAY TO THEM….

  • 1. He’s never done that to anyone before…
  • 2. How can he be fat?  I hardy feed him anything!
  • 3. It’s a shame they can’t tell you what’s wrong, isn’t it?
  • 4. I’ve brought you a sample in this kitchen towel – do you think that this bit is mucous or blood?
  • 5. Wow!  A vet! That’s a licence to print money, isn’t it?

TOP 3 THINGS YOU’D RATHER YOUR VET DIDN’T SAY TO YOU…

  • 1. Is he very old?
  • 2. Is he insured?
  • 3. And the breeder said he was a pedigree, did he?

This theory, formulated by Nick, states that there is no work of literature which could not be improved with the judicious addition of a few zombies. Try it yourself. How much better would Pride and Prejudice been with an undead-brain eater jumping from a bush and chewing Mr Darcy to death?  Exactly.

Similarly, the theory states that there is no culinary work, which could not be improved with a certain dairy product. Even cake! Think about it…cake, nice…. cheesecake…nicer!

Please don’t email Nick with examples of where this theory fails to apply, because you’ll be wrong.  Even if you’re right.

The Universe is a harsh, unforgiving place.  Sometimes it seems like there’s no justice, no meaning to life. Here are some examples of how cruel, unkind and unfair life can be.

Characters who died but really shouldn’t have

Hudson (Aliens)
Hicks (Alien3)
Kyle Reese (Terminator)
Wash (Serenity)
Qui Gon Jinn (The Phantom Menace)
Doyle (Angel)
The Fourth Doctor (Doctor Who)
Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)
Dr Clemens (Alien3)
Johnny Alpha (2000ad) - yes I know he's back alive again but it's not the same...
Lex Luthor (The Adventures of Lois and Clark)
Deep Throat (the X-Files)
Boba Fett (the Star Wars Trilogy)
Tara (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Tanis Half-Eleven (Dragonlance Saga)

We salute you guys.

To make matters worse, to really rub salt in your eye, here’s a list of gits who’ve been asking for it but have, somehow, thus far avoided the reaper…

Characters who didn’t die but bloody well should have

Jar Jar Binks (of course)
Captain Janeway (ST: Voyager) Yes, I know the series was cancelled but still...
Drizzt Do'Urden (The Dark Elf Novels by RA Salvatore) - how tough can one elf be?
Not Wesley Crusher (death's too good for him)

Being a geek, one of the comments Nick regularly has to suffer is ‘you like all that Star Trek stuff, don’t you?’

This annoys Nick.  He is an enormous fan of science fiction. He is not a fan of Star Trek.  Here’s why : -

  • 1. Away teams. Any captain who regularly sends his chief medical officer, science officer, himself, his second in command and any other senior staff he can think off, down to the surface of an unknown and probably hostile planet, as opposed to a squad of space marines armed to the teeth with plasma cannons and nuclear grenades, deserves to lose his ship, his rank, and his teeth.
  • 2. Transporters. Are you crazy? So you step in this thing, and it disintegrates you, then someone who –thinks- they are you steps out the other side?  This is, essentially, a very high-tech form of suicide. Give me a shuttle any day.
  • 3. No money. Yeah. Right. In three hundred years from now we won’t need money. We’ll all love each other. Yes. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
  • 4. The Starship Enterprise. It’s an exploration vessel, is it? To seek out new life, and new civilisations? Hmm. Sounds quite a lot like a warship to me. And as for the Prime Directive – here’s an idea – if you’ve got a directive that’s more important than any other, that overrides any other concerns, you might, just might, try STICKING TO IT FOR ONCE!!!

Ahem.  Thank you.  I feel much better now.

Soul Purpose

www.immanion-press.com Publishers of Soul Purpose, and many other cool books besides.

www.sci-fi.online.co.uk 10/10 review of Soul Purpose

Other favourite sites

www.yog-sothoth.com Ennie-award winning website about one of my all time favourite games - Call of Cthulhu.  Don't turn the lights off and remember - never split the party!

www.spacemanmelonfarmer.co.uk Great web site of the melon farmer. Includes reviews, features (mostly including beer) and handy recipes (such as ‘glass of water)

www.greyhoundrescue.co.uk Go on, adopt a greyhound. You know you want to…

www.homepageofthedead.com Great name for a web site.  I like it for the music, and ‘cos I like zombies.

www.stephenpirie.com Fellow Immanion author and writer of the too-good-by-half Digging Up Donald

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